First Inappropriate Contact

When the first alien race contacted the human race, during Joe Biden’s second term, contact was achieved by a Thole ship from the Amaraphanean Confederacy. The Tholes within were levitating metal polyhedra who constructed themselves from interstellar gases. They gave the human race useful inventions, including the euphorogenic Arpar root. The Council of World Leaders asked them what they wanted in return.

“It is a simple request.” said the Thole Leader. “We are a very old race and the metal plates surrounding our quarkatonic corps has grown corroded. We would be grateful, and would reward the human species, if you gently rotate these metal plates.”

The human race did so and pretty soon a routine was established. Every few months a Thole ship would come in L5 orbiting the Earth, the Tholes would float down, dock in our major cities, and chosen experts would gently rotate their metal plates. The Tholes would reward the human race with more Arpar root and other useful inventions.

This continued for four and a half years until we received contact from the Xylogenotic Intersubstantiate, an empire of intelligent space-going squid-radishes. Their leader, the Melliflous Glon requested the use of airwaves to address the collected people of Earth.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to reach Earth but I bare a message that will be painful to hear. Manipulation of the metal plates by the Tholes is how they have sex. The innocence of your species has been exploited dreadfully. You have been sexually abused by the Amarphanean Confederacy.”

It was an issue of no little controversy as to whether the human species felt violated or not. Some cities barred the Tholes, others, outraged wanted to attack their Thole ships, while others were like “no big deal”. The Intersubstantiates started to occupy key positions in our culture industry spreading their message of clean living and Abelian set theory.

It was then that the God Emperor Tai-Lo-Mbra contacted us through his dimension and explained to us that the Intersubstantiate and the Confederacy had history together and that as much as we could understand using our limited intellects we should better employ the paradigm that the Intersubstantiate were jilted lovers and that the “no big deal” view of the Amarphanean Abuse was closer to the truth.

The Swarm of Elro arrived the following morning with the tidings that the messages of the God Emperor Tai-Lo-Mbra as well as the requests of the Tholes were really a kind of Sperm for which they (the swarm members) were a spermicide. They were followed by the Quasiocracy of Ptah, the Democratic Republic of Bjab-I-Bib, and the Wolus Family of Quintillionuplets. Each of them had a different explanation of both the supposed abuse, and of the motives and nature of each preceding race of aliens but all agreed that the the God Emperor of Tai-Lo-Mbra was a gigantic perv.

It has now been exactly ten years since our species and its first contact with alien intelligence. There are eight billion living humans and we have encountered exactly eight billion alien races, each with a different story, each with a different ax to grind. And this morning the local news reported a new ship on the horizon.