awful people

sometimes you will have a truly awful person — somebody who will wait for years for his chance to humiliate — or who will hang the chance to hurt and humiliate over another person’s head for years just to watch them squirm — and they will say a beautiful thing — eg that this universe is an emanation of love and light.

and you might think — oh no! that beautiful thing — maybe it’s not so beautiful — if an awful person can say it.

cause it is upsetting. it would be easier if you were sure they didn’t think this universe was an emanation of love and light — or a wonderful unfolding — or whatever beautiful thing they said. it would be less upsetting if you thought they were lying, just saying something they didn’t believe, or understand, to get one over on other people.

and for some awful people that might be right. but — the upsetting thought is — maybe it is not true in some cases. maybe for some awful people they say it, and they believe it. at least for a moment.

and you might think — how am I different from them? maybe I am just saying beautiful things as a way of distracting myself or not truly being here with the hard realities of my life?

but you might not.

you might think — on some level that awful person knows they are awful and when they say they beautiful thing they are trying to have a moment of beauty or a beautiful way of looking at their life — and that’s good! better than if they didn’t at least! The beautiful thing is still beautiful, and true, but they lack the courage to live it. And that’s what’s sad.

You might think that!