-do you want a hear a story about a Djinn who had a magic mirror and he could change the course of battles by drawing on the mirror?
-Is it true?
-Well yeah. Why would I tell you a story that wasn’t true?
-Well then obviously.
-OK do you know what a Djinn is?
-Well it is hard to know exactly, so that’s fair. But basically when you are alone at night in the wilderness and you are seized with terror and you do something crazy like run away leaving your water behind and die of thirst, and you were just going around in circles our forefathers said — that was because of a Djinn.
-And was it?
-Well, yeah. What else would it be?
-Some kind of subjective phenomenon?
-Sure, so then Djinn are some kind of subjective phenomenon. Do you know what that is? Exactly?
-Exactly. Makes two of us. Any way one time a guy died due to the machinations of this Djinn and when the Djinn was stripping his body he came across a picture book with pictures of the great kings and queens and also wild animals and I think, fruit from other countries. And the Djinn was incensed!
-Because creation belongs to God. And whoever drew a book was infringing on the prerogatives of God.
-And Djinn don’t like that?
-No. Why would they? I mean they don’t mind it if they do it, but if you do it it makes them really mad.
-Yes. Exactly. So the Djinn went back to the lonely deserted cleft in the mountains with the other Djinn and called like a Djinn council and they were all raging and hollering and screaming and cursing the human race, calling down horrible punishments from the second, third, fourth, fifth heavens, all the way up to the supra-Neptunian sphere, and then when the other Djinns got tired of this and asked the Djinn if he were satisfied and he said he wasn’t they said well you take it from here and he said “OK!” and he went down into a very deep crevice in the rock and hauled out a piece of mica and he dragged it to a bubbling paint-pot, a thermal mud pit, and he polished the mica so it became a mirror and he could use the paint to paint on it. And it so happened that the King had died and the king’s oldest son was ready to take power but then a son by the King’s favorite girlfriend–
–Sure. Concubine. Girlfriend. Whatevs, her son got a lot of really good guys who fought on horseback and promised them they’d get a lot of money if they supported him, so they said “okay. Reasonable!” and he decided to make it to the capitol on a forced march and kill all the king’s son’s main supporters in the ministry of finance and seize the treasury and then tell the rest of the king’s son’s supporters that he would be king and they would not be harmed if they gave up the king’s son and then they were going to kill him with the execution of the two boats and take power like that. But it’s hard to keep secrets and the King’s son found out and he decided to head off these horsemen with three companies of infantry and also a bunch of men who wheeled a big seige engine — an arbalest — and they were going to block the road going across a mountain pass and kill the horsemen and then kill the son of the king’s favorite girlfriend or concubine if you will with the execution of the two boats and then marry the girlfriend himself.
So it all came down to this one battle and it was in the Djinn’s territory and he looked at the battle in his mirror and he drew it so the horsemen got there a little bit earlier and they killed a bunch of the infantry men but then he changed it so that the arbalest got up on a mountain peak above the pass and started firing arbalistos down on the horsemen and he kept changing it back and forth until everybody was dead on both sides except for the two princes, the son of the king and the son of the king’s favorite girlfriend, and then he started drawing monsters to fight on each side — minotaurs and centaurs and penangalans and tauragases and what have you — and when the two princes were wounded he erased their wounds and when their eyes grew tired he grew powerful woke-up eyes on them and so on.
-Why did he do that? Just rage against humanity for the divine prerogative encroachment thing?
-Who can tell with djinns or humans for that matter why people do things? The wellsprings of the great river are often to be found in a hundred humble streams and so it is with the orectic heart. Anyway, these two princes were fighting for hundreds of years, the kingdom that they fought for passed from the scene, there was a technological civilization based on petroleum, it used up all the petroleum, briefly there were robots doing their thing and then they all ran down, the star got big and cold and these two cats were still at it, you dig?
-I dig, Daddy-o.
-Then the djinn did an experiment. He decided to stop. And he found that his hand kept drawing. Why?
-I don’t know, why?
-He wanted to know too! He took his magic paint pots and his magic mirror and traveled all around the world and in the antipode was a lady Djinn who had her own mirror and she was drawing him and making him do stuff.
-I know, right? And they fell in love!
-And the two princes?
-They fell in love!
-Had a wedding!
-And they celebrated it?
-By taking the two mirrors and pointing them at each other!
-And they looked at each other in the mirror to find out
-What they would draw next!
-And they drew it!
-So it looked like the two mirrors were right!
-And did they learn their lesson?
-You know it, Holmes! You know it!
-And what was that?
-If you’re going to infringe on the Divine Prerogative, which you shouldn’t, cause it’s a grievous sin and deserves a grievous punishment, but if you are going to do it then…
DO IT RIGHT!!!