Italian Interview


[this was translated from the Italian, or possibly Malay.  It is a mixture of half-truths, quarter-truths, mistranslations, and lies and embellishments by the interviewer, a dubious character named Peter Dangelo]

And ‘since high school that I wanted to become a screenwriter, the same time when I stopped believing in love, to have ambitions and brush my teeth. Then I gave up and I started to do interviews only to be able to have the money to pay for my coffee enemas as Demi Moore. I get them anywhere, even in the phone booth. You never enemas?

This is a great question which is not asked often enough by prudish American media outlets.  My goal is to evolve into an intelligent sea anemone (coelenterate) in which a single opening serves as both mouth and anus: thus everything I eat and drink will technically count as an enema.  

I was in Las Vegas at The Venetian Resort Hotel Casino, in there is no miniature Venice, crossing I had the impression of having a huge penis.

This is good news for those on your team — bravo.

 It ‘was a great feeling. A wonderful day. I love Las Vegas for that ..

Eric, you wrote episodes of series sensational from Futurama, the Simpsons and now one of the most followed series in America, The Big Bang Theory, is fantastic, and I really do not I enjoyed so much in a long time, the last time was for Shinder’s list.

I’ve never seen this film — it is the man who created E.T. giving us his views on the Holocaust?.

I realized that Italy is in recession when a pimp went to resume prostitutes mountain biking and for payment accepted tickets resturant

At 8 years old I was so poor that Mark Twain often called me to apologize. After a bad investment in Yemen from my father: a large consignment of lupins shipwrecked in international waters, we have fallen into poverty. Today for a living I steal money from the wallets of my cleaning lady. You before becoming an accomplished screenwriter what you did for a living?

In my past have been: poacher koala, screenwriter sneezing of Hollywood actors, and today carving small penises in parmesan I sell to the wives of managers of silicon valley.

I composed rants for witches, worked for the New York Department of Mental Health persuading sadistic murderers to murder more gently, bought sand mandalas cheap and sold them dear, Added Numbers Incorrectly for Dollars a Day from the Privacy of My Own Home, hawked nostrums for curing Existential Ennui on the Boardwalk in Coney Island, and trained the Children of the Elites in the Advanced Indifference and Frivolity.

One thing that I’m not proud of was when I close an orphanage in the suburbs and a recovery program for ex-offenders. You have done things you regret bitterly?

Once in a corn field in Iowa the dead of winter I was approached by a strange woman well over six feet in height.  Ice crystals glinted in her long flowing blond hair,  well over six feet tall.    She asked me what I thought of an article she had written criticizing the reclaiming of sewage through a centrifuge and proposing instead the use of submerged ceramic evaporation chambers.  I told her it was “good but not great” and a single tear rolled down her cheek.  I regret  bitterly not saying it was “great”.  What do I know about sewage?

If I lived in the US I would be a conservative one of those with a sense of the state consolidated so as not to retreat even an inch in front of the threat that someone would connect the battery of a Toyota to my testicles. And I would have returned to his country, kick ass, that clandestine Superman, one that has been introduced illegally in the states for too many years.

A dear friend, Simon, can not read well, it is understandable only in the third year of engineering. You like me, you’re surrounded by people obtuse, with urinary tract infections and john malkovich?

I am surrounded by people smarter than myself.  They are also much taller than me.  They are also, unlike me, able to convert light into energy.  The ladies tell me these people are trees, but I respond “you are trees” and run away, and feel I have won the argument.

Not believing in yourself is the first thing on which hinges the economy of the products for personal hygiene. People who would not scruple to test every kind of product on defenseless animals, should tell me how often lathering my testicles?

This is a question I feel quite strongly about, and have even made it into a political program in the states.  My motto is “Billions for Testicle Torture, But Not One Cent for Testicle Torment”. 

For a few months I lived in a Decathlon Dubai ward rollerblade. I had no money. That ‘s where I met Nadia. She was the classic girl who falls half a gram of amphetamine and then puts you anxiety if you take the Aulin on an empty stomach. He spent the afternoon throwing up in the thermos, was sexually insecure as Herbie the Love Bug. 

I do not need to tell you that too much sexual security is a turn off.  The typical potential sex partner responds: “You are so secure, what do you need me for?  Go have sex with your security, Mr. Big Shot.”   That is what they will say.  The sex people.

He lived with guilt unsustainable, said he felt responsible for the death of the deer Bambi after hitting him with a toaster on the nape. That’s all this to ask you if you had ever lived period destabilizing?

One time I was fairly sure that my skull and pelvis had become a sort of jelly or ooze or paste oozing about in my skeleton like an octopus or Slime Mold, but that when I checked them they would suddenly harden up like cement in order to trick me.  Eventually the three of us (skull, pelvis, and me) learned to laugh about these and other such misunderstandings.  Like every good marriage, the marriage of a man to his major bones  is built on a foundation of lies and braggadocio.  

since they are aware of the bitter condemnation of autoerotic practices by the Vatican, I can not help feeling guilty. I am seriously thinking to stop masturbating.

You find the condemnations bitter, but I think if you listen to the music of their words and not just the libretto, you will find them instead to be rather sweet.

 If nothing else while I’m finishing this interview.

In Italy there is a saying in my part: Bill Clinton was able to feel your pain before you. E ‘is a saying that is also there for you in New York?

I am a Democrat, so my response to this should be taken with that in mind.  In my view, having seen the increasingly radical views of the US Republican party, and its grandstanding on everything from immigration to healthcare reform, I thinkif I were a young woman and former President Bill Clinton came up behind me while was writing this and breathed in my ear I would say “President Clinton?  Is that you?”  and he would just smile, and look at him with a twinkle in his eyes.  I feel so good with him that I would invite to travel with me to Middle Earth where we would kill so many goblins together and drink so many tankards of mead and sing songs for so many years that ultimately when the old man reached the age of two hundred we would die together wrapped in each other’s arms in a hammock with no more fear of death than two sleepy children have of their bed time.   I feel strongly about this, but I accept that in all questions of politics reasonable people can disagree!

In the delivery room, just after the birth of my son I had the uncontrollable instincts of eating the placenta, it happened to you?

I am not tempted to eat the placenta.  I am tempted to eat the actual child.  Also, the child is tempted to eat me. The wife is tempted to eat me.  I am tempted to eat the wife.  Everybody is tempted to eat everybody.  Where I come from this is called “family”.  I hope this answers your question.

An eagle has seized my thesis just moments before my graduation. To this are never more become a doctor. Otherwise I would have also graduated from Harvard like you. However at 26 I started to steal silverware and then sell it to the luxury hotels of Monopoly.

Thanks to scientific research today at CERN we can send to the speed of neutrinos slices of ham, 730 km, from Geneva to Gran Sasso, in a few nanoseconds. A major step forward for humans and especially for catering services. It ‘a entuiasmante news.

If we think that the man is willing to accept any kind of injustice but can not accept the damage done by a hail of small claims. What makes you think that?

I think that because a tiny cricket who lives in my head called “Old Jimbo” makes me think my thoughts.  But as to why I think that, I could not tell you, at least not in an Italian publication.

Now I have to say hello, have already been 20 minutes without the coffee enema, I have to go make me one. Sometimes, on special days when I have to do something as important as the interview today, I feel the variant and I do an enema to gatored. Eric because you do not want me to shake hands?

You should shake whatever the spirit moves you to.

wishing you success in all your endeavors I remain your obedience and humble servant

Eric Linus Kaplan


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