Word Play


Sea lion, sea horse, sea l.  Sea L?  Someone got lazy.

Water polo. Marco Polo.  Why do water games end in Polo?

Why is c the only letter that sounds like a type of water?  Maybe there are other letters that have bodies of water that sound like them  — the D – the E – the F — but we don’t know about them because they are very far away

Sometimes when something sounds like something it doesn’t matter.  “Laminated” sounds like “lemonade”.  But lemonade is not laminated.  There’s no connection.  Unless, there is a connection.  When we are thirsty we don’t have lemonade. And then our thirst is laminated.  By lemonade.

An “Elephant” is like El Infant which is Spanish for the baby.  Because an elephant is like a Spanish baby.  I’m not sure about that.  Because babies are small.  

Maybe the only words that sound like what they are the water ones.  Lemonade has water in it.

If somebody received an email and it said “see attached links” and they expected a “lynx” meaning the animal that would be dumb.  Dumb joke or an actual dumb person.   Or both.

Sometimes I write jokes and sometimes I say things that i am sincerely trying to understand.   Sometimes I do what I can.  Sometimes I do what I must.   It’s like the difference between living in Canada and living in Mustada.

These things I say sometimes seem silly and sometimes seem serious. Maybe that’s cause they’re things.

There used to be a toy called silly string. I would like to market serious string.  There used to be a toy called silly putty.  I would like to market somber putty.  

There are fun size candy bars.  But I can’t marked serious size candy bars.  Because they already exist.  And they are fun.

There is justifiable homicide but no justifiable rape or arson.  But homicide is worse.  You’d think that would be harder to justify. I don’t want to be murdered or raped or arsoned.  I don’t even want to be thieved.

Would I rather be murdered in a justifiable homicide or in a plain old homicide?  On the one hand, a justifiable homicide is better than a plain old homicide.   On the other hand Justifiable seems worse cause then I would not just be dead.  I would also be wrong.

You can commit homicide in self-defense.  But you can also steal in self-defense.  Cause you’re hungry.  Any time you attack you can say you’re doing it in self-defense.  When you attack yourself you are making a self-attack in self-defense.  And vice versa!

Why do I make jokes?  I believe I make jokes about things that I don’t have a handle on.  Like women’s breasts.  They interest me but they shouldn’t because they are a source of food for a baby.  And I’m not a baby.

In addition to being a source of food for a baby, breasts are also a possible source of starvation for a baby.  If the mother makes a different decision.  

So a woman’s breasts are full of meaning.  Milk and meaning.  Possibly that’s why there are two of them.

I think that’s why I, a man, have nipples.  They are not full of milk and meaning. But they are full of meaning.    And no milk at all.  That’s too much meaning. Men have too much meaning and not enough milk.  That’s why we are so annoying.

I think it is lucky that we evolved as a life form with breasts because they are helpful organs.  If we were all cobras we would not be nearly so affectionate to each other. Because we would not have the organs to express that love.   On the other hand we could shed our skin.  

Early humans thought that meant snakes were immortal.  Early humans were dumb. Part of the problem was that they didn’t know they were early humans.  Because they hadn’t been around long enough to see that there were going to be more kinds of humans.  They thought they were just humans.  They didn’t know people would come who stood up straighter.  They thought they were already standing up straight.  I am smarter than an early human only in this respect. I know I am an early human.

I made some jokes about breasts and that might be offensive because some of us are men and some of us are women.  But I think the two genders should be honest and share information.  For example, woman did you know that a man if he really needs to urinate can hold the tip of the penis tightly, let it fill with urine and thereby add a tiny amount to his urine carrying capacity?  If you did not know that now you do.

I heard some women have penis envy.  They shouldn’t.   They should commit no penis sins at all.  No penis envy, penis lust, penis vanity or penis anger.  Or penis schadenfreude

Schadenfreude means shameful joy.   Schaden — shameful.  Freud – joy.    People talk about guilty pleasures.  And they mean watching Real Housewives Atlantic City or eating fudge. But those are not guilty pleasures.   A real guilty pleasure is enjoying your friend’s death.  

If you were really guilty about a pleasure you wouldn’t tell people about it.  You’d keep it a secret.

I was trying to be funny when I said if you were guilty you wouldn’t share.  You would if you did it to be forgiven.  I did that.  I was guilty of telling a lie to be funny.  And I confessed.  Do you forgive me?

The only thing you don’t forgive is if somebody hurt you cause they get off on being forgiven.  Unless you like that.  Then you’re a masochist.

Is masochism self-defeating?  Yes.  But if you never do anything self defeating you’ll never defeat yourself!  And then who can you defeat?  Some dumb masochist who wants it anyway!

People can want impossible things.  A friend of mine made a joke about a gay man who wanted straight cock. This was his joke: I have some news for you about the straightness of the cock you’re getting.  But my friend was being unfair.  

There could be a masochist who says beat me and is disappointed when the sadist says “okay”.  Because he wanted to be frustrated.   People say that’s a joke.  But actually it’s a serious.

You can want to be surprised.  And you can tell me that and it can make it harder for me to surprise you.  I can want you to understand me without words.   And I can tell you that using words.  That’s life.  Some people are at home outside.

Some people exhibit their sexiness by hiding it.  Some people are voyeurs by not looking.

I had a friend who didn’t want to be aroused by women’s bodies.  So he moved to a country where women kept their their bodies hidden.  But there was a chain going from a woman’s pants in the woman’s house — a slender silver chain —  to a bell.  And whenever the woman took off her pants the chain would move and the bell would ring and he would hear it and think somewhere there’s a pantless woman and become aroused.

One time a man rang the bell and he was aroused.  So he was gay.  Then it was a dog.  So he was a bestialist.  Then it was a baby.  And he was a pedophile. Then it was the wind.  So he was erotically attracted to the wind.


If you don’t believe me look it up.  The wind ringing a bell is a real thing.  It’s called a wind chime.

Billy Joel had a favorite cubist painter.  George Braque-aque-aque-aque-aque

One time I played strip chess.  It made the chess more sexy.  But it also made the sex more chessy.

Some people never show off. But they show off how much they don’t need to show off.  You’re like.  Hey show off.  And they say — no.

That’s what jokes are I think.   They’re when we say we want something but we’re afraid to say we want it.  When we believe something but are afraid to believe it.

That’s why jokes are the saddest thing there is.  Except for serious things.

This essay includes a lot of word play.  But word play is also word work.

Louis Armstrong said about jazz that if you have to ask what it is man you’ll never know.  Jazz is different from a droop.  What is a droop?  A droop is a fruit with flesh around a single pit.  Unlike jazz, If you have ask what a droop is, man you will find out.

I wish I didn’t have to work with words to get people to understand me.  Or to love me.  I wish I had the life of an aphid.  All I would need to be happy would be to stick my mouthparts into the leaf I lived on and suck leaf juice.  If I were an aphid it would literally be living the life of Reilly.

But as I’m sure you already know — aphid is as aphid does.


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