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The Books of the Celicideans

The Celicideans, or Kaladi people as they are called in Herodotus, whom Ashstrom theorizes are also the Silidideans referred to in the Indonesian recension of the Mahabharata, preserved their religion in certain books that were not translated until Kaladistan fell under British colonial government in the mid 19 c. The most important book, Safir Ha Bana-Soth, the Book of the Generations of Soth, tells the story of a primordial monster El Karaq, his defeat by the Horse Twins Amator and Amatavo, the construction of the universe from his viscera, the murder of Amator by Amatavo, and the genealogy of the descendants of Amatavo by his five Dragon Wives. When Wodroffe-Jones, the philologist and colonial officer after translating the ShBS into English set to work writing a commentary he came across the puzzle that every one of his native interpreters gave him a different interpretation. For one El Karaq is the human mind, and the other characters in the book show the creation of thought from the unsullied state of thoughtlessness; for a second it is a manual of political statecraft, describing the eighteen forms of amity and nineteen forms of betrayal for the education of a perfect prince; for a third it is a cookbook; for the fourth, an erotic manual; for the fifth a cosmology; for the sixth a poem. Wodroffe-Jones eventually became initiated into a select order of dervishes and after he had undergone the prolonged sodomy at the hands of certain sacred dildoes carved of meteorites, handled by the mothers of the cave of night, he was vouchsafed a reading of the Safir Tanaka, or book of interpretations. This, the second book of Celicidean religion to be translated was a book of fortunetelling with the following unusual feature: the personality and future of a man or woman was read based upon their interpretation of the primary scripture of the Celicideans the Safir Ha Bana-Soth. So one who viewed Soth as the mind would be a leader, one who viewed Soth as a tasty stew would find misfortune, one who viewed Soth as a parable of the perfect state would be a slave.

The wizened crone asked the young Britisher “So, what is your interpretation of the Book of Soth?”

“My good woman.” replied Woodroffe-Jones. “In my view it is a marvelous method of ensuring the continued vitality of the poetic faculties of your people! Most extraordinary!”

“Such a man” — the old crone consulted the stained manuscripts “must die by my hand!” and she stabbed him in the back.

His life blood oozing from him, young Alex crept deeper into the cave. He came across a small talisman in the form of an eye on a hand. Etched on it in silver was a cryptic poem “The Book of Books” which was a prophesy that at such time as the translation of the Book of Interpretations led to a murder of a young foreign man by the high priestess a fourth book would be released into the world, and this book would not be written in words but in the bodies of the Celcidean people who would spread out amongst the world, the lowest of the low, despised more than any others are despised, until finally a fifth book would be written, and here the dying British man could scarcely understand the ancient poetry, but it would be written in machines that calculates zeroes and ones and send these zeroes and ones via electrical wires across the mountains and oceans, and this book would be read by all, and when the last man understood its mean Amator would gain his revenge, give birth to a reborn El Karaq from his heart,and it would tear up all books and all men and boil them in a mighty stew called Aman-Jal-Tariq.

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2 thoughts on “The Books of the Celicideans

  1. Mikey says:

    Here’s a reason why Christians aren’t that interested in philosophy:

    If you ask any Christian person if they believe in the soul, they’ll say yes of course they do. But if you ask them to define the soul, it’ll first occur to them that they’ve never thought about it and then, what with believing in it and all, they’ll work out a definition. The definition they come up with will be different to the next person you try it on. And you can try the same trick with the question: “What is the thing that decides whether you are a Christian?” This will even work inside those sorts of churches where it seems like everyone thinks pretty much the same.

    But if you don’t turn up with your philosophical questions, they all just get along thinking they believe the same things.

    Christianity is better than philosophy.

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