Kanak Klein-Omsatallow, An Intergalactic Educator

My biggest mistake? That’s easy. It was an artificial planet build in an earth-type orbit off of Lambda Ceti for harvesting space-time waves. After the space-time waves fluctuation ended the economy went bust and the native population went feral. A few generations later they rediscovered some of the rudiments of civilization, realized their planet was artificial, located the distress beacon and sent out a call for help.

I was a free lancer working for the Ceti-Perseus clusters department of education. They sent me a short file about the locals. It seemed they worshiped a being called Zophrastus King of Time — perhaps a corruption of the knowledge that long ago their great-great-grandparents had become rich base on the economy of space-time fluctuations, and that indeed their world had been constructed in order to make a killing based on this economy. I dressed as the emissary of Zophrastus, had a little cosmetic surgery to get his iconic helical earlobes and made descent with much Hollywood thunder and flashing lights.

“It is I Zophrastus! Come with a message for you.”

“What is it great one? We must know for we know well how we have gone astray. Perhaps it is too complicated for our simple minds.”

“No it is not.”

They waited. I ascended a mountain and spoke through a mega-maxi-micro-phone.

“Stop having sex with dogs! Dogs are not for sex! The dog is a companion animal. But do not turn to him for your love-making! It is wrong!”

Their religious, political, entertainment and business leaders prostrated themselves at my feet. Finally one approached me groveling “But oh Time King we want to! We really like having sex with dogs!”

“You can’t! It’s wrong!”

“But it provides emotional succor for us in the face of an often terrifying and lethal reality.”

“Tough and I’m sorry. You will have to make do some other way.” And to sweeten the blow I gave them certain technological advances they had forgotten –agriculture, fire, the John Deer plow, UHF television and the like.

I didn’t think about that system for a long time. I got involved in first teaching remedial education to a moon full of insane gods, and then later curriculum development for hive-minds that were trying to become democracies without succumbing to schizophrenia. Then looking through my email inbox I came across a report by an intergalactic social worker (Roton Tamspaquilify) that the artificial planet was doing none too well.

I made a quick visit on my way to the remedial god planet which was doing quite well making little handicrafts and such. I found the planet was occupied by only a few extremely old people. I told them that I was the being who had posed as their Time King long ago and wanted to know what had gone wrong.

“Oh Time king we followed your advice regarding sex with dogs and babies stopped coming. Now we are the pitiful remnants you see before you.”

“Hang on — what do you mean by dogs? Show me a picture of a dog.”

And they showed me pornographic magazines from the old days showing humans in the state of sexual arousal, male and female.

“Whoops” I said. “My bad. Before I started preaching to you I think we should have taken a moment to define our terms.”


8 thoughts on “Kanak Klein-Omsatallow, An Intergalactic Educator

  1. Mikey says:

    In 2013 the Prophet watched his acolytes busily scribbling down his thoughts and teachings. It made him uneasy. He knew he was saying the right things, but he had also done some historical research into religions and their origins. A lot of them had started with some prophet saying the right thing, but look what happened after the acolyte had busily scribbled it down.

    He was wondering what to do about it when the problem solved itself. God spoke to the Prophet and said “Write this down: ‘This is the only true Scripture. All the rest is good, but you must delete it all every 50 years.'” Excited by the clarity and simplicity of it all, the Prophet wrote it down and emailed it to his acolytes.

    In 2062 the Head of ManCom assembled the Committee for the First Synod of the True Human Way. Everyone knew what was going to happen already because the pollsters had predicted it with an estimated 100% accuracy. The relevant minute of the meeting looked like this:

    At the beginning of the first Semicentennial, ManCom declares that on 7th January 2063, all encoded information other than the True Human Law will be destroyed. The mandate is unambiguously given in CeMoRalph 13/2/14-p2-3 for all Followers of The Way to do whatever is in her power to achieve this end.

    The bannerline of every copy of the True Human Law read: “This is the only true Scripture. All the rest is good, but you must delete it all every 50 years.”

    God looked anxiously at the Prophet and asked him: “Do you think I should have said 20 years?”

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