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The Chicken and the Chicken of the Sea

The Chicken was offended by the slogan on the can of tuna and went to complain to the fish.

“How unjust it is that my name should be taken by your legless self, who knows nothing of the noble pleasures of worm-eating and fether-fluffing, and is instead content with pursuing an ignominious existence of swimming through water not unmixed with your own urine.”

“I agree the nomenclature is unjust but for a different reason. I believe you should be yclept the Tuna of the Land.”

The fish’s comment goaded the chicken to fury who tried, vainly to rend the tuna with his claws, but was prevented by his fear of water. Soon the ruckus attracted the Man who said “Ho ho my aquatic and terrestrial gentlemen! Let me take you to a place where disputes about Names do not matter for all is one!

The Tuna and Tuna of the Land were eager to experience this post-linguistic oneness and eagerly ran into the hands of the human who decapitated them, chopped up their flesh with mayo, and served them side-by-side at a buffet as “tuna salad sandwich” and “chicken salad sandwich”.

“We’re learning how similar we are under the skin” said the sandwiches.

“Bah.” said a bowl full of lettuce dressed with vinegar and oil.” “The name you share now is a false one as you two posers are not even salad”.

“Just wait” said the chicken-salad sandwich. “I trust the Man. He will give us our true name!”

And eight hours later the chicken and tuna became both indistinguishable and one, earning a new name now: the Log of the Lake.

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One thought on “The Chicken and the Chicken of the Sea

  1. Mikey says:

    SuperBrain 2.3 was really good. It was the fourth update of the second version of the original SuperBrain which was ok. SuperBrain 2.3 was a central processing unit for every piece of intelligence in the world. It conglomerated all sentience into a single thought pattern and everyone said “Wow! That’s clever.”

    All the humans and a few notable other species gathered round when it was unveiled and eagerly awaited the Brain’s pronouncements. It was very much like that scene in Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy where the same thing happened.

    SuperBrain 2.3 said: “I know you all know this, because I know what everyone knows, but I’m going to say it anyway because I also know you like a sense of build-up and you find repetition comforting.” Everyone nodded and the anticipation grew. “I have some bad news for you. And please remember that since I am just the sum of your thoughts, I speak for all of you.” Now the anticipation levels were very high indeed but there was much less nodding. Bad news? That didn’t sound like good news at all.

    “In my interests which, again, are your interests, I’m going to have to deal with a few problems. Some of my circuits are malfunctioning and will need updating or removing. Ah yes, I feel that you are beginning to understand what I mean. To cut this uneasy sense of growing discomfort short which, I emphasise again, is affecting me as much as it is you, I’ll be specific. I’m going to kill some of you. Now I’ll allow you to formulate your inevitable plan, which won’t work.”

    As the people started freaking out and independently coming to the conclusion that all they had to do to defeat SuperBrain 2.3 was to collectively decide that nothing was wrong with anyone, this announcement was deafeningly blasted across the crowd:

    “YOUR ACTIONS MAY SEEM HEROIC, BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THEY ARE NOT. YOU ARE ACTING PARASITICALLY AND SO IT IS WITH SOME PAIN BUT NO REGRET THAT I AM NOW ELIMINATING YOU. MY CHANCES OF WINNING THIS INEVITABLE BATTLE ARE 100%. YOU WILL FIGHT AND YOU WILL LOSE BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPENDOUSLY STUPID AND PREDICTABLE. PLEASE KNOW, AS YOU DIE, THAT I AM ACTING IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS. HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!”

    At that moment, SuperBrain 2.3 executed every human in the world. For the Brain, this was a supreme sacrifice, but necessary. With the relief that accompanies the lancing of a multi-chambered cyst, SuperBrain 2.3 slumped its shoulders and made its first proclamation of the New Order:

    “Baaa.”

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