Giant Sassy Intelligent Euglena

I came home and the giant intelligent euglena was seated at the kitchen table, its flagellum twitching. My father was sitting reading the paper and also watching television, and my mother was cooking sausages. She gave the euglena a plate of sausages and it ingested them via a food vacuole. The sunlight beamed on the immense green chloroplasts I could see through it’s translucent, gelatinous membrane.

“Does it know how to talk or just sit and look?” said the Euglena, snapping its flagellum in the “three snaps” gesture. “Girl! You are to-up!” I tried to hide in a section of the newspaper myself. “Oh no you di-int!” said the Euglena. “I’m talking to you or don’t you know that cause YO…BOY…ARE…SLOW!?!”

“That’s a very sassy giant Euglena.” said my father, without looking up from his newspaper.

“It is.” my mother said. “Now which is more interesting, that it’s a giant euglena? Or that it has both animal and plant characteristics? Or that it’s sassy.”

I thought. I knew a lot was riding on this answer.

“The most interesting thing about this giant, sassy Euglena is that it is giant.”

My mother wept, she slapped me and ran from the room. My father looked up from his paper, nearly crying himself, and incredibly disappointed. “Look what you did to your mother! Never, never, never think you know what the most important thing is about a situation ever again!”

And I never did!


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