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Look Me in the Face. I Am A Honeybee

I am very different from you.

Your brain is complex and mine is simple.

You can carry your sentience around in your skull, while mine must emerge in the form of my eusocialistic hive.

I am the most successful arthropod, you are the most successful vertebrate.

I enjoy nectar as do you.

I avoid death as do you.

I care for the children of my species as do you.

I am not afraid to look at you.

Are you afraid to look at me?

IMAGE COURTESY OF MACROSCOPIC SOLUTIONS

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Legendary Bullet Baby

They used to know how to run things.

You probably heard that there is someone who is “the one” for you? If you are a girl it is a guy to marry you and if you are a guy it is a girl to marry you.

That’s true. But there is used to be all sorts of other “ones” for each and every one of you.

This picture depicts the “bullet baby”. The baby is born with a bullet around its neck. This baby is the one to kill you.

Somewhere out there, there used to be

the one to love you
the one to kill you
the one to heal you
the one to maim you
the one to puzzle you
the one to solve your puzzles
the one to worship you
the one to lead you beyond, beyond, beyond.

And it was all put together like a tremendously lovely web! So if A was the one to kill B and B was the one to kill C, C would not be A don’t you know.

Et cetera!

Now it is all mixed up.

What a nice bullet baby!

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Ancient Chinese Recipes, Huh?

A lot of people don’t realize that in Imperial China the rules of penology and of gastronomy were intertwined. As more Western notions of juris prudence have come into fashion, some of the most delicious dishes of the Ch’ing dynasty table have fallen from use. These include:

Rapist-Fried Rice

Criminal Ears with Black-Bean Sauce

Grandfather and Father and Son Re-Union

Embezzler with Oyster Mushrooms and Hoisin Sauce.

At the Long Pig Society the topic was raised — how can we enjoy these delicacies in the modern world? Some suggested taking a leaf from the playbook of our VEGETARIAN friends, who, because of ethical qualms at the consumption of animal flesh, choose to instead enjoy simulacra of such popular dishes as

BEEF HOTDOG

and

PORK BACON

made with such vegetable ingredients as TEMPEH, WHEAT GLUTEN and TOFU.

Some suggested therefore that we could enjoy a Manchu delicacy like

“FORGER FINGERS WITH WALNUTS AND HONEY”

by eating “FAUX-FORGER FINGERS” made of tofu.

But the meeting then broke up in a raucous debate on the following issue:

would the proper analogy to ethically-acceptable FORGER FINGERS truly be FORGER FINGERS made of vegetable?

Or would it be such fingers (or ears or liver) made of ANIMAL PROTEIN?

On the theory that just as the vegetarian substitutes one step down – vegetable for animal — so the tender-hearted gourmand with a qualm against ANTHROPOPHAGY would substitute BEEF for HUMAN?

OR would the correct version of these criminal-based dishes be using the meat of someone who was not a criminal, who died of natural causes?

So that instead of eating “MOO-SHOO TRAITOR TO THE EMPEROR”

we could enjoy “MOO-SHOO GUY WHO DIED IN A MOTORCYCLE CRASH”?

We can only hope that the best minds in higher ethics and haute cuisine put their heads together soon so we may soon enjoy these delicious repasts!

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C.S. Peirce — Blowing my Mind

In graduate school a colleague of mine was doing his dissertation on “what is a word?”.  I was like “What?” and he said “Well, you’re not a word, presumably.”

I always thought of this exchange as a pithy explanation of what was wrong with academic philosophy until last night when I read Peirce’s paper on consequences of four incapacities.  In it he argues that no thought is what it is except in reference to the future, and that our whole mental life is actually a sign for what we will be in the future.

Insofar as I understand it.

Just what he means by “sign” and “habit” and “thought” and “emotion” repays careful study.  But so far it looks like…I am a word!  Word.

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My mother was always furious that she could never be Pope

She was disallowed by her gender — female — by her religion — Judaism — and by her class, having been born to a lower middle class family in the East New York section of Brooklyn. What it was that she coveted — the infallibility perhaps, or the glamorous and borderline campy couture — I never could tell because any questions would wound her amour propre; she would suspect mockery, and withdraw behind a pale mask, lips tight, eyebrows slightly raised. She was a school teacher at Erasmus Hall high school until she retired. She taught biology.

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Problems with Modern Television Programs

1. They are communal dreams but there is no provision provided for dream interpretation.
2. They are only about the four permitted subject matters.
3. When I was three I saw the dust in a special pattern when I had a fever. There are no television programs about this.
4. The put the soul into a posture of receptivity and this is used by merchants to sell their shoddy wares; the soul has been created to be active; periods of rest and receptivity can become agents of slackening and dissolution.
5. Many of them are coded messages for certain entities that are forming in the corners of our culture unbeknownst to us. These entities do not have clearly defined boundaries. They are nevertheless malefic, malign or at least have agendas radically different from our own. Sometimes a single shot in a single television program will be wrong and this will connect up with a joke from a character on another channel which is somehow subtly spoken with the wrong emphasis, and this in turn will connect up with a reflection in an eye in a commercial spot on yet another channel and this will establish a mutli-planed polyhedra in mental space which will then accrue further and further distortions to the field of focus until we see only what they wish us to see.
6. I liked Charlie Sheen’s old show more — why did he stop doing that?
7. Not enough nudity.

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THE LIZARD KING

Lot of people know about the RAT KING, a collection of rats that have become so entangled with one another that they have essentially become ONE HUGE RAT that functions as one, both in outlook, and romantic life, and consumer behavior.

But did you know there was also a LIZARD KING?

A lizard king is much like a RAT KING but with one difference.

Do you know what the difference is?

A RAT KING is a bunch of rats all tangled up in a ball.

A LIZARD KING is not like that.

How?

Because it DOES NOT CONTAIN RATS.

Instead, it contains LIZARDS.

Also, a LIZARD KING’s powers are limited by the LIZARD MAGNA CARTA while a RAT KING’s powers are absolute.

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You Think I Am a Bad Doctor? Maybe you are the one who is a Bad Patient?

1.You eat crap food — fat sugar and such nonsense.

2.You question my judgment.

3.You are friends with people without asking me — why? What good is it if I give you my treatment if you ingest the poison of the friendship of unworthy friends?

4.What is with your bathroom habits? All hinkus rinkus and so on. That’s what they are.

5.YOU QUESTION MY JUDGMENT! You are always asking why why why like some kind of goddam why bug buzzing in my ear. How about I am the doctor and that is why?

6.Did you know I have a lot of patients who are richer than you are and they are sexier and they still go to me and they are very happy with the results?

7. Maybe you think you should be the doctor? But if you should be the doctor WHY ARE YOU SICK?

8.You want to be sick. That is your problem. You pretend you want to be well but you know what? If you want to be well you would be well and I would not be sitting here listening to your bullshit!

9. You have been skipping your LSD.

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