What would you like to learn in an esoteric initiation?
I think what they first teach you is that you don’t know anything.
All the things you think you know — who you are, what you want, who your family is, what a person is, what an animal is, what day and night are — all of these things are wrong.
Then they teach you that there is in your solitude a tendency to find out what those things really are. But it is very, very tentative and weak and fragile, and you need ten measures of ignorance and darkness for each measure of clarity and truth.
And they tell you that it’s going to be very hard — impossible really — not to forget what you learned in the esoteric initiation when you have to talk to all the people you’re used to talking to in the usual way and asking for the usual things that you want.
And then you leave the esoteric initiation.
Since you can’t remember it I think the best thing is to view every encounter, especially the most boring and trivial ones as another esoteric initiation into another person’s solitude. And to accept that neither you nor she knows anything or can say anything even half-way clear about what the secret doctrine is.