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The Dog-Lover: A Fragment of a Socratic Dialogue

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PACHOCLUS
Oh Socrates I am happy to find you here in the market place discussing the true and the just, for these are subjects I find myself well-suited to discourse upon.

SOCRATES
Then I find you well-met, for just as a student of flute-science is happy to meet a master-flautist, for by the meeting thereby he can obtain what to him is most valuable, viz. proficiency at flautistry, so do I, who am a student of the true and just, find myself fortunate to meet you.

PACHOCLUS
Shall we spend some time discoursing on these subjects?

SOCRATES
Nothing would cause me greater pleasure. Can you tell me what is just behavior?

PACHOCLUS
I can. For I have a fine dog named Bofus and as he is a good dog to me I am a good master to him, and show my affection for him by stroking him, scratching him and kissing him upon the mouth.

SOCRATES
What was that last activity you mentioned?

PACHOCLUS
Kissing him on the mouth.

SOCRATES
You kiss your dog on the mouth?

PACHOCLUS
I do.

SOCRATES
Would you agree Pachoclus that a man who kisses a woman who eats garlic can be said to be a kisser of garlic?

PACHOCLUS
I would.

SOCRATES
And would you agree that if a cat chews upon a mouse and a man kisses the mouth of the cat it is as if he kissed the remains of a dismembered mouse?

PACHOCLUS
Of course.

SOCRATES
So as we mount from a specific principle to a general principle would you agree that a man who kisses a thing that kisses a third thing kisses that third thing? Does that seem to you a principle that men of reason and good sense would accept?

PACHOCLUS
I do. I find that principle to be reasonable and enthusiastically give my assent to it.

SOCRATES
And would you say that the kissing of a dog’s rectum is a fine thing or a just one or a thing pleasing to the gods?

PACHOCLUS
Certainly not.

SOCRATES
PAchoclus, have your or have you not observed your dog licking his own rectum or ass-hole, with great enthusiasm as a wine-enthusiast licks wine or a pastry-enthusiast licks pastry?

PACHOCLUS
I have.

SOCRATES
Then does it not follow that when you kiss your dog’s mouth, that you kiss what your dog kisses or licks, namely his rectum or ass-hole, and that this is not something that is fine or just or pleasing to the gods?

PACHOCLUS
It does Socrates.

SOCRATES
Right?

PACHOCLUS
I see your point.

SOCRATES
Good. Cut it out. It’s gross.

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4 thoughts on “The Dog-Lover: A Fragment of a Socratic Dialogue

  1. Desiree says:

    And as every Russian-American mother I know says: no sitting on the bed sheets in your outside clothes either because you may as well be putting your naked butt on a park bench (where homeless sleep).

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