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Joseph and Eddie: A Play The Kids Wrote in the Treatment Center

Sometime we give them paper in the treatment center and one of the kids wrote a play. I tis called Joseph and Eddie.

JOSEPH AND EDDIE

Eddie: Joseph, this is going to be your home.

Joseph:Oh!

Eddie: There is a bad for you to sleep in. And there is the nipple for you to eat from!

Joseph: Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Eddie: But there is the retarded lady and you should not have sex wit her. Do you get it?

Joseph: Uh-huh!

The BAZZERCAN comes up from his hole.

BAZZERCAN: Why do you even give him that to look at!

Eddie: I trust him you bizzercan of a bazzercan!

Bazzercan: Why do you even make him? Why do you not kill that retard girl — you forgot to put a brain in her, you dummy.

Eddie: Don’t you call me, dummy Bazzercan or I’ll hit you with the stick!

EDDIE HITS BAZZERCAN WITH THE STICK. HE DOESN’T NOTICE THAT JOSEPH IS HAVING SEX WITH THE DUMB GIRL.

Joseph: Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh!

Dumb Girl: Eeee oh! Eee oh! Ee oh!

Bazzercan: Eddie you are a dummy you are hitting me with the stick when you should be hitting that dummy Joseph!

Eddie: Joseph! Joseph! What are you doing!

HE HITS HIM WITH THE STICK. HITS HIM AGAIN. REALLY HARD. HE DISENGAGES.

Eddie: Joseph! Why do you do things that are wrong? I appeal to your inherent nobility! I appeal to your indwelling wisdom! If you learn to adapt yourself to the civilized society of this asteroid you will have numerous sophisticated pleasures at your disposal. Do you understand?

Joseph: Yes. Yes I do. I’m sorry.

Eddie: Good. Now go to sleep and tomorrow you can get up early and I will teach you the guitar.

Joseph: Good.

Eddie: Good?

Joseph: Good!

Eddie: Good.

Joseph: Good.

Eddie exits to the other side of the asteroid. Joseph immediately starts humping the retarded girl. Suddenly there’s a volcano. Eddie bursts out of it holding the stick and starts beating Joseph with it.

Eddie: Joseph! Ah-ah!

Joseph: OW! OW! OW!

Mute Girl: Wo wo wo.

CURTAIN

END OF ACT ONE

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Dialogue Between a Taoist and a Non-Taoist

TAOIST
You should go with what the Tao wants rather than resisting the Tao.

NON-TAOIST
What if what the Tao wants is for me to resist the Tao?

TAOIST

What if it is?

NON-TAOIST

Then I should do what the Tao doesn’t want and resist the Tao.

TAOIST
Go for it.

NON-TAOIST
Then why did you tell me I should go with the Tao?

TAOIST
Because what the Tao wanted was for me to tell you that.

NON-TAOIST
Don’t Taoists think that those who know do not say and those who say do not know?

TAOIST
We say that a lot.

NON-TAOIST
So does it follow that you are not a Taoist?

TAOIST
It does.

NON-TAOIST
Does it follow that I am a Taoist? Because I do not want to be a Taoist.

TAOIST
I don’t think it follows.

NON-TAOIST
So nobody is a Taoist?

TAOIST
Nobody and nothing is.

NON-TAOIST
Then is it better to be a non-Taoist?

TAOIST
No, that does not follow at all. At least the Taoist understands that he is not a Taoist, but the non-Taoist does not understand that he should go with what the Tao wants rather than resisting the Tao.

NON-TAOIST
But I was arguing that I did understand it.

TAOIST
Where there is disagreement there is always misunderstanding.

NON-TAOIST
But that’s really dumb. You said that I should go with what the Tao wants rather than resisting the Tao and I said I shouldn’t, so obviously there is disagreement there without misunderstanding.

TAOIST
No there isn’t. If we had understood each other we would have agreed.

NON-TAOIST
I don’t agree.

TAOIST
There? See! You did it again.

NON-TAOIST
Hmm.

TAOIST
“Hmm” is right!

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Interview with the Talking Lion

An Austrian philosopher of Jewish descent argued that if a lion could speak we could not understand him, while a German philosopher of Polish descent, argued that we could understand him all too well, as deep down we share his rapacious contempt for weakness. Nobody knew which of these two brainy central europeans had the lion’s number until in the late 2070s exciting insights into the genetics of intelligence allowed the biological engineering of a smart, talking lion. As the in house philosopher for a small journal devoted to lion and tiger studies, I was invited to give the lion his first interview.

On the way over I wondered what I had to say to this talking beast and my world-historical role pressed in on my consciousness with a surprising weight.

Me: Lion, I want to apologize.

Lion: What for?

Me: All the abuse that lions have suffered at the hands of humans. We have hunted you to near extinction.

Lion: Hey. Don’t beat yourself up. I totally get it.

Me: You do?

Lion: Sure. It’s a tough world. We’re powerful predators. You guys had an exploding population since your agricultural revolution. Us coming in and eating your infants was frightening. You did what you had to do.

Me: Wow. I had no idea you would be so forgiving. I guess I also want to apologize for all the medical experiments we subjected you to.

Lion: These things happen.

Me: “These things happen?”

Lion: Sure. Look, you developed science. You wanted to understand the source of disease. Obviously the non-human animals were not going to set up labs and have like a lion Pasteur or a Tiger Metchnikoff. [The lion is referring to Eli Metchnikoff, discoverer of the white blood cell.] So the guys who were able to do experiments experimented on the guys who weren’t able to do experiments. No surprises there.

Me: Well it feels good to this off my chest. You know we also castrated you–

Lion: Buddy, I would do the same thing! If you didn’t we would have more baby lions who would grow up into lions and eat you. Honestly don’t we have something else to talk about other than your sense of guilt. You are a bit, as we say in lion, “needy”.

Me: Sure, sure, this is just so great. We have a lot to talk about, there’s just one more thing I want to apologize for.

Lion: (GOOD HUMORED LION LAUGHTER) Go for it.

Me: The circus. We used to make you do tricks for fun.

Lion: (ROAR)

At this point the lion leapt for my throat, killed me, and raced around the enclosure rending people with his jaws and claws.

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How Long O Richie

Will you mock us with your unchecked audacity?
How long shall you hurl against us your over-boiling impetuousness?
My emails you have ignored, my conversation in the break room you have ignored, the time you made Deanna cried you have accounted as nought in pursuit of your furious gruesome proclivities to madness!
-my first oration against Richie

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PLOT TWISTS

The detective is the murderer.

The narrator is the murderer.

The victim is the murderer.

The murderer is a fetus and the victim is his mother: neither of them is really dead but they were put into a trance by a mysterious Indian neurotoxin.

The detective is the murderer and also the victim and the narrator.

The victim, narrator, and detective are the murderer but they are all already dead.

The victim, narrator, and detective are the murderer, they are all already dead, and there was no murderer.

Everybody in the story is a leaf on some kind of cosmic tree where the rules are they have to die for the tree to grow therefore in this universe murder is good and preventing murder is bad.

All of the above but in a world where surprises are not-surprising and the most surprising thing is lack of surprise.

All of the above but in a world where it turns out events are simply timeless qualities of an eternal substance while “qualities” are temporally fixed.

All of the above plus identical twins.

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A Short Proof that Meaning is Not Information

Imagine your phone number is 777-7777, and you need to let somebody know, but your phone company charges texts based upon the amount of logical information they convey. So you send the message “It is either 777-7777 or not 777-7777” which is a tautology, conveys no information and is therefore free. However you have successfully communicated your phone number.

Sure you can go Gricean on me and distinguish between speaker’s meaning and sentence meaning but why believe there is such a thing as sentence meaning?

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Successful Therapy with a Pervert: Sperm Willy

I used to be a commercial fisherman in the waters off of Alaska — usually salmon but sometimes crab. During the winters when the boats came out I needed a way to augment my income, so I hung out a clinic to practice psychotherapy. One of my patients was a pervert named Sperm Willy who had lost his job as short order cook in a Denny’s for putting his sperm in the customers’ food.

I started by teaching him to overcome the feelings of shame and fear that were caused by being caught. I explained to him that he was no better or worse than an average human being, and that the Milgram experiment had proven that most of his colleagues at Denny’s (before whom he felt especially ashamed) would electrocute innocent people if put in a position where this was exepcted of him.

We then spent two sessions of talk therapy discussing the metaphysical implications of his sexuality. I told him that his perversion, placing his sperm so it would be consumed by others, was a desire for acceptance of his metaphysical essence externalized and literalized. I assigned him to have his DNA sequenced and to slip the papers with his DNA into things people were reading in real life, and then to insert his DNA code in extremely small type in popular pages on the internet.

At this point he was no longer a danger to society and could be pronounced “cured”. Since we still had two more sessions I taught him that his essence did not lie in his genome but in fact in the unique stand he took on his thrownness and asked him to express that in a web log.

If we had more time I would have taught him about reciprocity and the narcissism of artistic production, but it was spring time and a more exciting quarry beckoned than the murky, mucky byways of the human psyche…

…the mighty Alaskan King Crab!

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Patty, A Prateyakabuddha who works at Ikea

QUOTES

“It’s wrong to think that your soul lies in your brain. Your soul lies in the skin.”

“There are eight different species of human, six of which are capable of spiritual evolution, and they are all indistinguishable.”

“MESAE — Mind Evolution Stimulated by Ascending Eroticism — and EESAM — Erotic Evolution Stimulation by Advancing Mentality are completely different.”

ACTIVITIES

Construction of maps of the nervous system in the desert outside Redlands. These are for her own personal benefit, although some can be glimpsed by air.

Sudden intense personal interactions with (apparently) random individuals. These can be life-changing for the individuals involved and can be as short as a few seconds or as long as two days.

BIOGRAPHY
Patty is in her late twenties, works as an assistant manager at an Orange County Ikea, lives in a nearby residential hotel and travels by motorbike. Other than having been briefly incarcerated for the manslaughter of her first husband, her life has been entirely uneventful. She is an avid hunter.

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George Ranto: Rules of Life

1. Trust no one
2. Express your mind in your thoughts, your heart in your choice of foods, and your indomitable will in human relationships
3.Pick three projects: one that you will never complete because it is impossible, one that you will never complete because it is not worth doing, and one you will never complete because you are not interested. Divide your energy randomly among the three.
4.STAY HEALTHY AND EAT ROASTED FOODS!

George Ranto is a pratekabuddha who has been occasionally sighted in diners in the San Fernando valley, sometimes accompanied by a large dog.  These rules were written on a napkin after he granted a rare audience with the author of this web log.  The granting of interviews by pratyekabuddhas is fairly rare although not unheard of.  How common it is is impossible to know as it is impossible to know the frequency of pratyekabuddhas.  It is also impossible to tell how serious Ranto is being in these rules, whether he follows them himself, and, fundamentally whether the concepts of seriousness, sinecerity and rule-following apply to a being of his nature.

This web-log will be bringing occasional life lessons from pratyekabuddhas of modern urban America. A prateyakabuddha is a being who has head a solitary enlightenment experience and is living out a life on a more highly evolved level of non-dualistic consciousness without founding a sect or cult. In the Dhammapada they are described as “lonely as rhinoceros horn”.  The study of pratyekabuddhas is important for developing a typology of supra-mundane states of consciousness. The class of Buddhas, beings with super-mundane consciousness who found sects or cults for the betterment of their inferiors is a non-representative sample of states of consciousness.

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NOT FINE: A ONE ACT PLAY

May 1st, 2:54pm
Hello
hello
How are you doing today?
good, you?
Not fine
I made a trip to Istanbul (Turkey) and had my bag stolen from me with my passport and personal effects therein
that’s terrible!
The embassy has just issued me a temporary passport but I have to pay for a ticket and settle my hotel bills with the Manager
what an unfortunate situation!
I have made contact with my bank but it would take me 3-5 working days to access funds in my account
that is so inconvenient!
the bad news is my flight will be leaving very soon but i am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills, I need your help/LOAN financially and I promise to make the refund once i get back home
I don’t understand!
they won’t let you leave?
Yes without paying the outstanding bills
that is illegal
please have the manager write to me
does he know who your father is?
you are my last resort and hope, Please let me know if i can count on you
you should let him know who your father is. he will tear this hotel manager a new ass hole
I really need you to help me out now
Put the manager on — he will go to Jail
I need your help now
Ok I need the hotel address
Address: Ebusuud Street 18 Sirkeci, Fatih, Istanbul 34210, Turkey
Are you there
Can you tell me what is going on?
What is the managers name who is holding you illegally?
let me know if i can count on you?
Of course
Am so glad you replied back,All I need right now is $1,250USD, I’ll appreciate what you can give if not all and I promise to make the refund once I get back home
what is the manager’s name?
we are going to get this sorted out
Its been a terrible situation i find myself in
I know it sounds awful. Do you remember Willy from the Budapest job?
He has a background in Critical Legal Studies and is handy with a dirk?
Am really freaked out here and can’t think deep at the moment,Please i really need your help to get me out of this mess,if i am not the one i won’t have asked you to send the money to my name
we are going to handle this a different way.
Describe the room you are in. In approximately two hours you will need to GO TO THE BATHROOM AND STAY THERE
Willy is going to drop by with a friend of his named Grotius who is a big guy in natural law and knows how to use a garotte
All i need now from you is to help me wired the money to name so i can get myself sort out here
I promise to refund it back to you as soon as i get back home
Lisa you have set something in motion. I can’t stop it. Just stay cool. — you are at Yasmik Sultan hotel right?
Chat Conversation End

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